We are seriously screwed.  Doomed.  Effed.

Like every other Hulk Hogan-fearing American, I get my news from the AIM Zone. If you don’t use AOL Instant Messenger, you’re able to function in daily life worth a damn. I don’t even chat in AIM, I just log in to get The News.


Without AIM Zone, you’re as clueless as these two.  Nice outfits, ladies.

When you log in, your web browser is directed to the AIM Zone, a page so full of information that you’ll likely get a data-rection. It’s HUGE, and has millions of links to every kind of news story you could ever want. You can get up-to-the-minute updates on the Obama presidency, the latest on why Hollywood’s hunkiest hunks of hunks have become hunkachunkas, or even find out what all the “Hot Searches” are. I had a hot search once, so I usually avoid that one. In fact, I avoid 99% of the page because there’s a lot of internet to troll and the night is short. But I do look at all the cycling Featured News stories.

Near the top of the page, a helpful rectangle cycles through nine themed news features. Each feature has links to about five breaking news stories. There’s always one about video games with probing articles like “The 25 Hottest Video Game Redheads You Want to Kick Your Ass.” I don’t even think I’m making that one up. Usually I roll my eyes and move on to better things, like bidding on Madballs. Today, I am unable to even consider looking up a vintage Oculus Orbus because I know the effort would be futile. We’re all going to die.


“Get your nasty balls out of my face.”

The main headline of the first of the cycling pages is “Scientist Fear Nightmare Event.” Holy crap, right? That is terrifying in it’s own right, but it’s also paired with an ominous image of a glowing/ exploding/ Photoshopped orb of some kind. Or planetoid. Or Altoid. No, don’t try to interpret what it is, on to the story!


This is a real NASA photo of the sun, which ABC News has thoughtfully Photoshopped behind a city skyline. And you thought FOX News was a pack of screaming jackasses (yes, it still is.)

Apparently, scientists fear a solar storm has the potential to knock out all electronics in the country! The article is vague on how long the ultra-EMP pulse would last, but it’s quick to point out how it could lead to a “nightmarish scenario that could include failures of transportation, communication and financial systems; shutdowns of government services; and a lack of safe drinking water, food and medication.”


Are you telling me we might miss the new episode of Daisy of Love? Cry mercy, damnable sun.


The Bringer of All Sorrows

Seriously, though, that would screw us up pretty bad, at least for a while. Calling it a Nightmare Scenario seems a little harsh, but what else do you expect from STEREO (NASA’s Solar TErrestrial RElations Observatory)? I mean come on… that’s a bullshit anagram if I’ve ever seen one. Get over yourselves and just go with STRO. There’s dignity in simplicity, fellas. STRO also advises us that, “power grid operators could minimize the damage if they had enough of a warning.” Well, consider yourselves warned, Gridmasters. You better get on that “launch a whole shitload of Fla-Vor-Ices at the sun to cool it off” plan.


Admit it. I just made you mourn your long-dead childhood.

And I seriously think that’s the plan, because STRO project scientist Michael Kaiser had this to say about their attempts at better predicting these potentially catastrophic Nightmare solar flares: “We’re getting smarter now.”


My one fear is when scientists say things that sound like a Chrissy punchline on “Three’s Company.”

Fortunately, I saw through this ABC News item as the “terrorize the masses” ploy it really was. Nice try, guys. Or at least that’s what I thought, until I read the other articles on that first news update cycle. First up, a woman was attacked by a wild boar in her backyard.


The wild boar, moments before the horrible attack.

Woah, that sucks. The article mentions how these beasts can “rip a dog right open.” At this point, I’m thinking that this is a more unusual public fear to prey upon. But hey, the media wants us all cowering under our beds praying the cast of Lost comes to save us all in a roughin’-it-sexy way. But I fear no wild pig. In fact, I actually crave wild pig. That has to be some awesome bacon for my ultimate BLT experience. While I considered how boar would enhance my favorite lunch, I moved on to the next article and my heart nearly exploded from the sheer horror of it. I’ll paste the entire (short) article here.

Stripper Beaten with Stiletto Heel

AKRON, Ohio – A 52-year-old woman was attacked on her first day as an exotic dancer by a jealous co-worker wielding a stiletto heel, police said.

Akron police Lt. Rick Edwards said the woman was assailed Friday night by a co-worker who didn’t think the club needed more dancers.

One of the dancers took her stiletto and repeatedly struck the woman in the face as she walked into the basement dressing room, police said.

The woman was treated at a hospital and received seven staples. She has declined to press charges against her assailant.

Police say the woman took the job because she needed the extra money. She has refused to talk to police about what happened.

SWEET LORD! I was shocked by the disturbing news that there are 52-year-old strippers, but the additional mention that this was her first day on the job was enough to send me reeling into the night, screaming for sanctuary.


Nowhere to run to, nowhere to hide.

I returned, too shaken to continue with the AIM Zone’s News from the Crypt. I turned my attention to the much more pleasant Facebook to see what trite bullshit “gifts” I was sent today. Instead, I was cold-cocked by the news that you can update your Twitter with only your brain.

According to PhysOrg.com, a young man used an electrode cap that was hooked up to a computer to send a message on Twitter that said “using EEG to send tweet.” The researcher is part of a group whose “aim to perfect a communication system for users whose bodies do not work, but whose brains function normally.”

Here’s my dramatization of the Twitter page of someone with a terrible condition that leaves them unable to use their limbs.

In bed. 8:39 PM Apr 21st from web

In bed. 8:36 PM Apr 21st from web

In bed. 8:32 PM Apr 21st from web

@InsensitivFuq Sorry, can’t go out today. 5:42 PM Apr 20th from web

Can someone turn off VH1, please? I’m in enough pain. 3:27 PM Apr 20th from web

Thank you, scientists. It’s a good thing you’re not working on that whole “the sun is going to make all electronics go to shit” thing. Now people struggling with debilitating conditions won’t be able to Tweet just as well as the rest of us when the solar nightmare begins.

I’m pretty sure I’d go to Hell for that Twitter bit if it weren’t a proven fact that God is a huge Suzanne Somers fan.