“In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves: the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy” – Ivan Illich

“There’s a sucker born every minute” – P.T. Barnum

As a lasting side effect of my love for copious amounts of hooch, I am fascinated by commercials for useless junk.  Even before my days as the lovable town wino, I admired the complete zeal Ron “Hair in a Can” Popeil had for his stupefyingly awesome products.  Pocket fisherman?  Absolutely.  Who wouldn’t want to be ready to reel in the big one while eating an egg salad sandwich out of their Dukes of Hazzard lunchbox?  And let’s start off this commercial with some fine 70s star-assed Sneech.

Available at Two Guys.  Two Guys?

But that’s not all.  Order now, and we’ll send you another 70’s RonCo classic, Mr. Microphone (as seen on The Simpsons.)

I don’t give a damn what people think about me, but I’ve got nothing on the guy at 0:23.

Ol’ Ron is still shilling this crap, too.  His more recent products include the Showtime Rotisserie, the Food Dehydrator (Finally, you can make your own jerky.  Fuck those Slim Jim corporate assholes!), and yes… you can still get the Inside-the-Shell Electric Egg Scrambler!

To save me the Herculean effort of moving a spatula around for a minute?

RonCo has been around for 50 years!  He may have started the game, but it took a psycho to come up with the rules.  Let’s not dismiss the awesome sales power of Billy “The Beard” Mays!

Billy knows to hook the thumb so you hit the G-spot.

What fascinates me most about Billy is his method.  The man behind OxiClean, OrangGlo, and dozens of other original home products (more on this later) has a very effective method to get you interested.  He screams at you until your ears jettison mysterious black bile. Then, you are his to command.  An example?  But of course:

I think I’m going to hold off on those Sliders until my ass unclenches, Billy.  Thanks for putting the fear of God into me.

But let’s get to the man you’ve all been eagerly waiting for.  The Newblood.  The Young Turk.  The Greatest Pitchman of the Last Two Months.  I’m talking, of course, about Vince Offer.

Look at him in all of His glory.  Your cousin that still drives a Firebird.

Besides having the greatest pitchman name of all time, Vince here has somehow managed to capture the imagination of a people on hard times.  With a simple “the Germans always make good stuff,” Vince “Vestigial Earpiece” Offer has convinced Middle America to spend $20 on SHAMMY CLOTHS.

But that’s innovative, right?  Who else would think to sell shammy cloths outside of the auto-detailing industry?

I’ll tell you who.  Billy “Zorbeez” Mays.  That’s right, our decibel-shattering friend already came up with that idea to bilk the public of their hard-earned Samolians.  Then Offer’s ShamWow ads have the guts to prominently warn consumers to avoid impostors.  Ballsy, my jaw-jutting friend.

Here’s the latest product from Vince “Aprons Can Be Cool, Right?” Offer:

Be sure to ask about the foldable cutting board, a.k.a. a thin piece of plastic.

A few time-stamped comments first.

0:36 – Fuck you, Vince.

0:47 – How is that breakfast to go?  Very rarely do I consider a handful of hammy-eggy-pickle mash the cornerstone of my morning.  Now keep watching for the best part…

0:55 – What else needs to be said about this?  Mr. Offer, you’ve managed to tell the world how they should feel about your nutsack.  Well played.

1:04 – Kids CAN do it.  It takes them a few years to get “one-finger” good, though.

1:20 – Actually, the real reason is the fact that I’m addicted to pornography.  I’m seeking counseling, though.

1:26 – All of a sudden, I want to cast him in the pussiest mobster movie ever.

1:34 – Billy Mays is going to make you pay for that, Vin.  With your life.

1:48 – The Oscar moment, ladies and gentlemen.

2:05 – He’s onto something there.  But a more effective method would be to actually walk across America and slap fatties in the face.

2:30 – Vince just named my five favorite things to see a prostitute wearing.  Then follows it up with “comes with two blades, just bang it.”  I will, sir.

2:46 – Oh, but I can.  Don’t deny me this.  I need it.

This is another product pilfered from Billy “Patent?” Mays.  Again, look out for imitators.

Here’s an interesting fact about Vince “Don’t Be Fooled By My Good Looks” Offer.  He doesn’t actually consider “pitchman” to be his primary job.  He’s really a writer/director/actor. This is true, but he’s only credited for one movie.  It was also sold via commercial because no one would distribute it.  When I found out he was the man behind The Underground Comedy Movie, for which I saw the late night ad numerous times while experiencing after hours TV culture, it all sort of clicked.

I only wish I could find the trailer.  It’s worse than you can imagine.

Another fun fact: Offer gets beat up by hookers.  Vince, America isn’t mad because you’re enjoying a paid escort’s company.  It’s because you let one bite off a little piece of that glib silver tongue of yours.  How will you sell us the next fine product from Billy Mays Industries without it?

Popeil.  Mays.  Offer.  Great men that truly want to improve your lives with their exciting innovations.  Okay, so they’re actually glorified swap meet scumbags.  But as a proud owner of the ShamWow (really), I can tell you that I have never owned a finer spank rag in my 19 years of addiction.

So be sure to visit the Nakatomi Inc. store! Operators are standing by!  But we won’t do it all day.  We have hookers to hassle with our Mr. Microphones.