So…you know how the Department of Motor Vehicles, no matter WHERE you live takes absolutely the worst photos, no matter what?

I win the award for the worst ever.  EVER.

First up- my last one:

Pretty bad.  That photo is probably around 5-6 years old.  I look like I live under florescent lights, and that dark ‘halo’ around my face is actually a pretty pathetic attempt at sideburns and a beard.  I purposefully didn’t smile, as any photo where I smile, I look like a drooling simpleton.  The lady behind the counter the day I had this photo taken said- “Don’t you want to smile, honey?”  No.  No I do not.  You cannot trick me, evil DMV lady!

Joke was on me.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago, and after getting ANOTHER traffic ticket in the EXACT same spot by my house as I did a few weeks BEFORE that- and ANOTHER officer threatening to write me up for having the wrong address on my TXDL, I decided to bite the bullet and visit the DMV and get it updated.

Big mistake.

So, there’s some new Texas state law that states you can’t get your TXDL photo taken with your glasses on.  Despite the fact I’m blind as a freaking bat w/out ’em, and I’m never switching to contacts (EEWW!  Don’t touch my eyeball!), I had to get the photo taken w/ my glasses off.  I don’t look like me with my glasses off.  This new regulation, I’m sure, is to help law enforcement in case there is ever a man-hunt for me, and I try the clever ruse of removing my eyewear to go ‘incognito’.  That’s something I like to call ‘The Superman Gambit’…All Clark Kent has to do is remove those glasses, and BLAMMO- unrecognizable.  Unfortunately, this will actually have the opposite effect intended by law enforcement, as the photo that I’m about to show you could never be mistaken for me.  Compounded with the fact that I was just wearing a hat, in desperate need of a haircut and a shave, had gotten up WAY too early to wait in a line for 2 hours at the DMV, and was blind as a bat w/out my glasses-

I got this-

Ugh.  Holy god.  Now, please keep in mind, I was just flirting with the youngish chubby redhead who took my photo seconds before.  I purposefully tried to do a bit of a smirk, and raise one eyebrow.  But what I didn’t expect was for me to be uncomprehendingly hideous.  Holy god.

Right after that photo was taken, Miss Redhead says, in her best Patty and Selma voice- ‘Heh…that’s a good one.’

‘Oh?  Can I see?’

‘No, my monitor doesn’t spin around…you’ll get it in a few weeks.’

‘Okay, thanks!’

Yeah.  Awesome.

Insult to injury- that’s a KidRobot rugby I’m wearing under my jacket.  Have you seen the KidRobot models?  Those guys look freaking great in all of their clothes.  I’m sure once this photo gets out, that’s it for the whole KidRobot line.  The very idea that someone could look that bad in one of their garments is like saying there’s E.Coli in Captain Crunch…that’s it, the market falls right out from underneath ’em.  Sorry KidRobot…Sorry, world.

-alex fugazi