Greetings, friends. My name is James McCullen Destro, the 24th. My friends just call me Destro, so I hope you’ll do the same. I’m here to tell you how you can learn my secrets to achieving Manly Vigor.

What’s Manly Vigor, you ask?

Manly Vigor is the sensation of a job well done. It’s the feeling of accomplishment you receive when you’ve saved the high-profile client a lot of money and guaranteed their future business. If I may be frank with you, it’s when you’re having a Big Dick Day. I hope I didn’t offend you there, because I may be challenging many more inhibitions as we spend some time together.

Now, I know you’re probably wondering what makes me qualified to tell you about this exciting new life you’re going to live. Here’s my card:

I am the latest Laird of Destro Castle in the beautiful Scottish Highlands. If you visit someday, drop by for a round of golf. My handicap is pretty impressive. I’m also the head of M.A.R.S., the Military Armament Research Syndicate (I know, I know… my card needs updated.) In layman’s terms, I’m an arms dealer from a pretty impressive lineage. For over 20 generations, my family has supplied everyone from nomadic tribes to global terrorist organizations with the armaments of war. I enjoy a successful long-term relationship with a beautiful, intelligent woman. These are the things that give me the confidence to wear a V-neck jacket without so much as a tank top underneath.

But this isn’t about me. This is about YOU, friend. And how I can help you achieve Manly Vigor. Let’s sit and have a little rap session.

I want nothing more than for you to succeed. Should you choose to purchase my Improvement Course, you will be given the mental tools you need to become the kind of man you’ve always wanted to be. I will challenge you, but your hard work will pay off.

Let’s look at my first manly example. No, not that. I’m talking about my friend, the late Charles Bronson. There was a manly dude. Now, you may know him from his exploits in Death Wish 3, where he put together a crack team of senior citizen civilians and fought off an inner city gang war. The deadly Knitting Force Delta took back their neighborhood because they had the stones to stand up for themselves, but only after Charlie taught them how. Caring about your community? Now that’s manly. But Bronson knows how to enjoy some downtime in robust ways, as well. Take for example his post-hard-day-at-work-hand-grenading-the-shit-out-of-everyone-who-looks-at-him-funny activities:

Now, I don’t want to take credit for all of his great success in life. But once upon a time in the West, I did have a conversation with Charles about what being a man really means, and how a shower can be replaced with liberal applications of Japanese cologne.

Speaking of the Japanese, I’d like you to consider our friends to the East. Now, sometimes I feel bad for my father’s supplying America with a weapon that forever changed their country. But I think in the end, they became a stronger people. Their appreciation for the manly form has even permeated their video games. Take a look at this upcoming release, of which I’m sure many youthful enthusiasts will be clamoring to download and play:

Now that’s just exciting. I expect running through man-shaped holes in walls will become the latest rage across college dorms. And if you’re going to be impressing upon lovely onlookers with your quick-thinking and locomotion, you should also be showing off your physique.

This is me with my forever-lifemate, the Baroness. Part of having Manly Vigor means knowing how to give the women of your life the attention, love, and respect that they deserve. Though she chose to work for a sometimes-competitor, I’ve made strides in working with her organization so that we can develop a mutually beneficial professional relationship. In return, she has a special gleam in her eye when we make love. She knows I value her as a human being, and as an intelligence officer with a ruthlessness that makes blood engorge my member. And gentleman, I assure you her appreciation leads to some wild sexual encounters. In my course, I’ll share with you my secrets in taming a luscious spitfire and grooming her to be a valuable friend and exciting partner.

You must also be prepared to show her affection when it may not be completely professional. When a woman’s sexual appetite is triggered, it’s best to give in to her urges and satisfy her. Even if it’s during a child’s cartoon program.

I should also add a note about jealousy. As you saw, my co-worker – NOT my boss, mind you, but a co-worker – cannot contain his envy for my mastery of Manly Vigor and the respect it affords me with the fairer sex. You will encounter this problem once you have completed my inexpensive course. The best recourse is to quietly acknowledge their frustration and continue your work. Do not challenge them. It only leads to the screechy fool demolishing your ages-old family estate while you’re on holiday visiting with the Dreadnoks.

In my research for this presentation, I happened upon an ad that I think may illustrate what I mean by Manly Vigor. Allow me to share it with you:

Notice how the colorful selling points seem to emanate from the toned model, almost as if they were a spray of his masculine musk. This James is a very clever marketeer. He has captured the essence of Manly Vigor, and is using it as a powerful attractor for his business. Men like you will likely see this ad and choose the services James provides, because he has subtly given you an unconscious desire. You would like to be this man who is in prime condition, enjoying a very relaxing experience by a serene pool. Had the model been some vapid bikini-clad temptress, it would have blended in with all the other similarly-designed advertisements. Truly, James DOES has Efficient Equipment… and Manly Vigor.

I pose to you a conundrum: what wobbles as it flies?

The answer is a jelly-copter.

I shared that jovial nugget with you to illustrate that a lot can be learned from a Man by his mannerisms, or as I like to call them, MANnerisms. A laugh should be hearty, with a slight echo. I heard some nervous tittering out there, and that is not going to impress anyone. Be bold, and the world will admire your eagerness to share the real you. This does not apply to crying, however. All tears should be shed in solitude, and even then it may only be if irreparable damage has been done to your penis. This may be by your own misdeeds or through unavoidable mechanical malfunction.

I think already you’re starting to see what having true Manly Vigor means. But to reach the next level, you’ll have to face a challenge. Sometimes you’ll need to acknowledge the fact that others have a mastery over their own Manly Vigor. Even your enemies.

This is Duke, the leader of a group of soldiers that have confounded me and my own at many turns. As much as I loathe this man, I cannot deny that he has a strong mastery of the concepts I teach. Even more impressive is that he has elevated himself to this testosterone-rich height all on his own. Look at the splendid bastard. It’s for this reason that I’ve named him an honorary graduate of my course. And he’s not even the most virile of his lot. You should see Shipwreck.

All of these secrets I have learned in my years as an honorable gentleman, a successful businessman, and dedicated lover can be yours, along with many other valuable life strategies. Order my course, and prepare to become a whole new you.

Order today, and I’ll send you a 100% Authentic replica of my family heirloom medallion. Will you have the confidence to wear it proudly? You will after Destro’s Manly Vigor: Lessons in Displaying Your Manhood!

Be sure to look for me in the upcoming G.I. Joe feature film! I’ll be played by Doctor Who. And I won’t have my attention-getting mask. So I guess it isn’t really like me at all. Say, do those Joe guys suddenly look like Transformers to you, too?